As The Water Falls

I’m singing at Spivey Hall today with a high school Honor Chorus. The rehearsals have been an average of four to six hours. Howeverm I feel so blessed to be allowed to do this workshop. Dr. Paul Head is an amazing director. When we’re all tired and we want to quit and go home, his energy keeps us awake and alive in the music. So, I find it that Dr. Head looks and acts like an older version of my sister’s boyfriend Andrew. That has kept me entertained for the past couple of days. Well, long day today. :) And a long road ahead… literally. Spivey is south of Atlanta!

Are you at the right blog? Because it’s about to get angst all up in here. Haha, I was just rereading my recent blogs and they’re pretty, well, selfish and violent. I apologize. But at least it’s the truth. At least I’m not feeding you lies about beautiful butterflies and BLAH BLAH BLAH. This week’s blog topic: Self Pity If you don’t respect yourself, why should I respect you? There are different kinds of self pity. I have three friends who are avid self pitiers. Subject A: Girl is a silent sufferer. Only those close to her know how much she hates herself and she looks so strong on the outside. Of course, now she defines herself by her relationship and I don’t talk to her much anymore so I can’t say anything too bad because it may not be true… moving on! Subject B: Girl is a loud and silent sufferer. She puts herself down openly but keeps the serious painful pity to herself and only her closest friends. And I honestly cannot tell if she actually uses her pity to get attention or if it’s her subconscious and I am only noticing it because of my observations of her personality. Honestly, though, she has become more stable because she’s with a guy she really loves. Subject C: Girl is an obnoxious sufferer. She says it loud and proud. Every other day it’s, “My life sucks.” Or “I’m screwed” and I’m like, “Honey, It’s 9:00 in the morning. HOW DO YOU THROW A PITY PARTY AT NINE IN THE MORNING?? Nothing has happened yet!” And then the next day she is super hyper, happy, and peppy. And slightly annoying. I admit, I had a bad day this week. On the day she had her good day. So, I deserved her reaction to me because I just ignore her self pity now. Because deep inside she’s just a little spoiled and overcompensating because of family issues. And she asked me if I was ok, then smiled and went on with her day. I really hate playing Psychologist sometimes. It’s like I look for motive for every attitude and problem. I should give advice… people say I’m maternal anyway and I reply, “Oh dear Lord, NO! I am too young to have kids!” So, maybe I’m a little stressed out with a busy schedule and tough school work… I should to to sleep. It’s almost midnight and I’ve got to stay positive on Friday just to get through the day! Have a good weekend everyone!

1. I hate it when you pity yourself because you really are one of the best people out there sometimes.
2. I hate it when you look at me like you pity me too. I mean, if you’re under the rocks then where does that put me?
3. I hate it when you say something really deep, because after so many of those moments, they all start to seem shallow and empty.
4. I hate it when you ask for advice when you really don’t want to hear it.
5. I hate it when I’m trying to say something and you get that glazed look on your face and I know you’re not listening.
6. I hate it when you don’t come to me when you need a friend or when you’re hurting. If that’s not what I’m here for, then what am I?
7. I hate it when you won’t tell me the truth because you’re too afraid you’re going to hurt my feelings, or someone else… God knows they deserve it too.
8. I hate it when you put yourself down over and over and then whine about not being good at anything.
9. I hate it when you say something that sounds really good and then I realize how full of bologna it is.
10. I hate it that you want me to be interested in what you’re doing, yet you don’t even let me mention the things I’m passionate about.
11. I hate it when you beg for a chance to shine and I’ve been sitting in the dark waiting for weeks.
12. I hate it when you put everything on someone else, like you’re the only one with problems. And you don’t talk to me. And you blow yours up so you get the attention.
13. I hate it when you try to act like your really humble and shy but your really just begging for attention.
14. I hate it that you say you don’t want drama, but you are the one creating it.
15. I hate it that I hate these things about you because I still love you and I want to be there for you. Everyone has there faults, but you make it so hard to try and help you make yours smaller. :(

So, my sister moved out a couple of weeks ago. She moved to Atlanta to be closer to school. She bought new furniture, new bedding, new drapes, new books, and she has a new roommate to boot. Because the roommate was there first, Sis didn’t have to take her old living room furniture. And now that she has moved out, I get the entire upstairs to myself. Now we have rules for the upstairs, she says. It’s my fault for breaking her rules, but I don’t regret it! It’s my upstairs! She moved out, so she can’t say anything! Why, when something finally becomes mine, does she still get to be in control. I’m the youngest, so my entire life, everyone else has told me what to do. What to do, how to live, who to be. I am done with it. I’m just through! So, when someone tells me what to do, I go ahead and defy it. I’m finally old enough to speak for myself, to have a voice! I’m sixteen for goodness sakes! I’m finally an adult! And the first thing my sister does? She tells me what I can’t eat on my birthday, moves out that night, and says I can’t eat upstairs, in my own space. MY OWN SPACE!!! Who the hell does she think she is?? And it’s not like I can tell her off about it! Oh, no! Because her boyfriend is in Texas and he left TODAY to go back after the weekend. And she is so fragile because she misses him and she doesn’t know yet if he will want to stay together and he ruined their perfect weekend because he wanted to see some of his old friends. What the @#!!&**??????????? So, I am blogging so that I won’t blow up in her face. Because the last thing I can handle right now are her shallow tears. Damn… I still feel guilty.

Okay, so I lied. But in my defense the trip sucked. I had altitude sickness the whole time and I was stuck with my cousin who is an ignorant dumb… bell. I don’t want to say something bad about family right? So, it sucked… so bad. New topic: My junior year has begun. Due to schedule conflicts I am still in women’s chorus and not in chamber, but I am taking Latin III. Yep, still sucks…

Here’s the sitch… tomorrow I’m leaving for Colorado! I’m super excited to be getting out of the house and on the road! No more sitting waiting for Netflix to come up with new TV shows to upload! The downside is that we’re driving. I mean, I’m thankful that there are no airplanes involved because I dislike airplanes very much! But who can spend twelve hours a day with their family crammed into a car??? My brothers aren’t going, which I have mixed feelings about, and my sister is going which I am thankful for. Both parents, a set of grandparents, and a cousin thrown into the mix. I think it will be quite an adventure and I’m pumped and ready to go! Well, not really. There’s just so much to do! I have to pack everything! and you know females, we have so much to make ourselves beautiful that it just can’t fit into one little suitcase. So, I’ll have a rolling suitcase, a purse, backpack, and probably a canvas bag as well for my laptop which I won’t be able to use in the car because the battery life on this thing is like the amount of time that my grandfather can spend standing up and that’s saying a lot.

I’ll be sure to write about everything, because I really want to document these two weeks. I promise to take lots of pictures on the road and everything and to keep this blog updated. When I first started this nearly nonexistent blog, I said I wanted to write about something meaningful. This trip will mean something to me. It will define my summer and I can’t wait.

Somehow, it seems like we’re always kept waiting. At school, we’re waiting for the bell to ring, so we can go mingle. At home, we’re waiting to go to bed so tomorrow can be a better day. Recently, I keep waiting for my own life to start. I’m young and energized, and sitting on the bench ready to play.

I’m waiting to become old enough to work, to love, and to start what I hope will be the best part of my life. But is it worth it to skip the growing up part and go straight to growing older? I feel so ready to fall in love, to get my degree and work, but I’m just not there yet.

It’s hard to always be thinking of the future and not really live in the present. But what if the present doesn’t give you much to work with? There’s so much more to do in life, but I guess I’ll have plenty of time to do those things when I get older.

I’m waiting for the school year to end. I’m waiting for Netflix to put up the next season of Bones. I’m waiting for a DressBarn to open up in my city. I’m waiting for the stocks to come back.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been waiting for this weird, tralala, feeling to go away. Yeah, yeah, I know. It means I like someone. And I do not want to like him. He is one of those guys who you absolutely adore because he is your absolute best friend. I can’t let that change. I’m not the kind of girl he would like and I know we won’t ever date, but that doesn’t seem to stop my emotions from taking control of my thoughts. Every time my friends say something borderline flirting, I go on defense. I feel protective of him, and I want to be the one to make him laugh. I want to be sad just so he can be happy and make me feel better. I go searching for little things every day that I know will make him smile. His mind fascinates me, he’s so brilliant. I could just sit and listen to him explain mathematical and statistical concepts all day.

And I hate feeling this way, though. I have these stupid little tralala’s that sing in my head. My heart pounds. I must have butterflies coming out of my ears because my stomach is full of them! I’ll never be able to do anything about it. I just have to wait for this to go away. Because it has to. And I’ll be waiting.

   I used to be a big believer in love, growing up on Disney movies and Sailor Moon. I made my grandmother tell me the story of Rapunzel every time I went to her house and I always wanted to be that fourth grader that got married on the soccer field during recess. Since fourth grade, I’ve come to my senses. And I’ve come to realize that there’s no such thing as the kind of love we see in the movies or in the Little Mermaid, or in the romance books we read. Unfortunately, the Bella/Edward situation is as likely to happen as Romeo and Juliet, which is almost definitely impossible.

   I’ve grown up a lot since fourth grade, I mean it’s almost been a decade for goodness sakes! And I’ve learned that we don’t just love people in the “happily ever after” way. In Greek, there are four translations of the word love. Agape is the brotherly love. It’s how we love our families and the best of friends. Philia is a friendly love. “Love your neighbor as yourself,” as Jesus put it so well. He means love them in a friendly way, that shows compassion and generosity. Then, there’s Eros, the passionate, “I must have you now” kind of love. It’s not love so much as it is lust. And there’s the less familiar Storge, which is how I feel about my brother’s sometimes. It’s like, you have to love them even though what they do makes you want to hate them.

   C.S. Lewis even wrote a book about these four loves. He describes agape as unconditional, philia as friendship, storge as affection, and eros as romance. I look at them similarly. And this is just me, growing up with the bible slamming baptist preacher talk about these things. The preacher’s words are more of a drone to me, words that make sense, but hold no deeper meaning, especially when it comes to this thing called love. I think it’s the smallest people that can love the most. Have you ever noticed that a four year old will give away their whole heart no matter what anyone else has done, while a thirty year old woman has to have something in return, or it must benefit her in order for her to love something.

   It’s hard to be the four year old girl, especially as we grow up because the more we see and experience, the more we lose faith in humanity, the more we want to give up hope. But the world is only as good as you make it out to be. If you’re negative about everything, that’s what you’re contributing to society, and that’s how society will be. But if we’re showing love, and I don’t mean lust or just generosity… I mean unconditional, “I will do anything to help you because you’re my friend no matter what you do to me” love. If we put that into the universe, that’s what it can become.

   Our society, twisted and screwed up thanks to the media and all the drugs of our era, is like a plant. If we put it in bad soil, or give it polluted water, or not enough sunlight, it’s no wonder it’s twisted. If we want there to be good in the world, we have to put good back into it, and absorb the bad like rubber, letting it slip away into nothing while we continue to show others love.

   I’m having a hard time keeping faith in humanity right now. My friends are friends when they need me there for them. And when they try to comfort me if they know I’m sad, it feels like they do it for the wrong reasons. And this past week, I’ve been out of school. No texts, a couple calls from a friend to help with her project. I’ve tried to get in touch with people, but they’re busy I guess. My parents are gone for a good part of the day and my brothers live in the basement. My sister is always staying with her friends because her school is far away. So, I’ve been at home, by myself for a week. Sure, I’ve gone to choir practice, and went to an opera, but that’s about six hours of doing something within a time span of about nine days. Isn’t that pitiful.

   It’s been especially hard for me to deal with my sister. She is literally the golden child. She was the cheerleader in high school, blond hair blue eyes, “every guy’s wet dream” pretty. And then, there’s me. Brunette, gray eyes, short, stout. There’s a big difference, ok? Well, she has been spoiled her whole life and so she’s a little prissy sometimes. Let’s put it this way… She has no problem telling me to clean my room when her’s is worse. It’s not hypocritical… but it really is. She was getting dressed tonight for an opera that she and my mom are going to. Poor thing is sick and spent the last hour taking a nap. She looked so pitiful. I helped her pick out a dress and shoes. While she did her hair, I went to work trying to fix the straps on her heels. I chipped off the nail polish that I spent an hour working on today. I had to remove all of it. And I wasn’t even mad. I’ve been furious all day about how ignored and alone I feel. And I don’t mean to be sounding spoiled and selfish, but you try spending a week stuck in your house with no car and no communication with anyone but your parents after six every night… and the dog and cat.

   And while I pulled off my nail polish, I realized how much I wanted to help my sister have a good time tonight at the opera. And I hoped she felt pretty because she is, and how I wished she weren’t sick so she could have a great time and not have to blow her nose every five minutes. And I realized that me helping her and worrying about my sister, who is nine years older than me, is how I love her. It’s not when we’re laughing together about stupid stuff, or when I remind her to do something over a text. I love her by caring for her when she’s too preoccupied to care for herself. I love her by telling her the no nonsense truth even when she hurts my feelings.

   And I’m having the worst time trying to figure out how I love my best friends. And I’m having an even worse time trying to figure out how they show their love for me. I’m sorry, but those stupid little heart things people do with their hands is not a way of showing affection. And when I’m sitting in class by myself and they don’t notice I’m alone or they do notice but don’t stop by to say hello, it doesn’t seem like they care too much about showing their love. But I will still love them. Because I am determined to love Agape style. That’s the way Jesus teaches us to love. We are supposed to love fully and unconditionally. And when we love during the hardest of times and especially when we don’t want to and we really want to hate the person, that’s when we know we’re doing it right.

   These are the ways we love.