As The Water Falls

So, I’m thinking about a video blog… I know I know! I’m not interesting and then there’s the low self esteem thing, but I just get too fired up to not tell other people! Or.. at least entertain people who already know because let’s face it, If I know it, then your Great Grandad knew last week. And that’s saying something. Hm… made an intro video too. We shall soon see.

I’m singing at Spivey Hall today with a high school Honor Chorus. The rehearsals have been an average of four to six hours. Howeverm I feel so blessed to be allowed to do this workshop. Dr. Paul Head is an amazing director. When we’re all tired and we want to quit and go home, his energy keeps us awake and alive in the music. So, I find it that Dr. Head looks and acts like an older version of my sister’s boyfriend Andrew. That has kept me entertained for the past couple of days. Well, long day today. :) And a long road ahead… literally. Spivey is south of Atlanta!

Are you at the right blog? Because it’s about to get angst all up in here. Haha, I was just rereading my recent blogs and they’re pretty, well, selfish and violent. I apologize. But at least it’s the truth. At least I’m not feeding you lies about beautiful butterflies and BLAH BLAH BLAH. This week’s blog topic: Self Pity If you don’t respect yourself, why should I respect you? There are different kinds of self pity. I have three friends who are avid self pitiers. Subject A: Girl is a silent sufferer. Only those close to her know how much she hates herself and she looks so strong on the outside. Of course, now she defines herself by her relationship and I don’t talk to her much anymore so I can’t say anything too bad because it may not be true… moving on! Subject B: Girl is a loud and silent sufferer. She puts herself down openly but keeps the serious painful pity to herself and only her closest friends. And I honestly cannot tell if she actually uses her pity to get attention or if it’s her subconscious and I am only noticing it because of my observations of her personality. Honestly, though, she has become more stable because she’s with a guy she really loves. Subject C: Girl is an obnoxious sufferer. She says it loud and proud. Every other day it’s, “My life sucks.” Or “I’m screwed” and I’m like, “Honey, It’s 9:00 in the morning. HOW DO YOU THROW A PITY PARTY AT NINE IN THE MORNING?? Nothing has happened yet!” And then the next day she is super hyper, happy, and peppy. And slightly annoying. I admit, I had a bad day this week. On the day she had her good day. So, I deserved her reaction to me because I just ignore her self pity now. Because deep inside she’s just a little spoiled and overcompensating because of family issues. And she asked me if I was ok, then smiled and went on with her day. I really hate playing Psychologist sometimes. It’s like I look for motive for every attitude and problem. I should give advice… people say I’m maternal anyway and I reply, “Oh dear Lord, NO! I am too young to have kids!” So, maybe I’m a little stressed out with a busy schedule and tough school work… I should to to sleep. It’s almost midnight and I’ve got to stay positive on Friday just to get through the day! Have a good weekend everyone!

1. I hate it when you pity yourself because you really are one of the best people out there sometimes.
2. I hate it when you look at me like you pity me too. I mean, if you’re under the rocks then where does that put me?
3. I hate it when you say something really deep, because after so many of those moments, they all start to seem shallow and empty.
4. I hate it when you ask for advice when you really don’t want to hear it.
5. I hate it when I’m trying to say something and you get that glazed look on your face and I know you’re not listening.
6. I hate it when you don’t come to me when you need a friend or when you’re hurting. If that’s not what I’m here for, then what am I?
7. I hate it when you won’t tell me the truth because you’re too afraid you’re going to hurt my feelings, or someone else… God knows they deserve it too.
8. I hate it when you put yourself down over and over and then whine about not being good at anything.
9. I hate it when you say something that sounds really good and then I realize how full of bologna it is.
10. I hate it that you want me to be interested in what you’re doing, yet you don’t even let me mention the things I’m passionate about.
11. I hate it when you beg for a chance to shine and I’ve been sitting in the dark waiting for weeks.
12. I hate it when you put everything on someone else, like you’re the only one with problems. And you don’t talk to me. And you blow yours up so you get the attention.
13. I hate it when you try to act like your really humble and shy but your really just begging for attention.
14. I hate it that you say you don’t want drama, but you are the one creating it.
15. I hate it that I hate these things about you because I still love you and I want to be there for you. Everyone has there faults, but you make it so hard to try and help you make yours smaller. :(

So, my sister moved out a couple of weeks ago. She moved to Atlanta to be closer to school. She bought new furniture, new bedding, new drapes, new books, and she has a new roommate to boot. Because the roommate was there first, Sis didn’t have to take her old living room furniture. And now that she has moved out, I get the entire upstairs to myself. Now we have rules for the upstairs, she says. It’s my fault for breaking her rules, but I don’t regret it! It’s my upstairs! She moved out, so she can’t say anything! Why, when something finally becomes mine, does she still get to be in control. I’m the youngest, so my entire life, everyone else has told me what to do. What to do, how to live, who to be. I am done with it. I’m just through! So, when someone tells me what to do, I go ahead and defy it. I’m finally old enough to speak for myself, to have a voice! I’m sixteen for goodness sakes! I’m finally an adult! And the first thing my sister does? She tells me what I can’t eat on my birthday, moves out that night, and says I can’t eat upstairs, in my own space. MY OWN SPACE!!! Who the hell does she think she is?? And it’s not like I can tell her off about it! Oh, no! Because her boyfriend is in Texas and he left TODAY to go back after the weekend. And she is so fragile because she misses him and she doesn’t know yet if he will want to stay together and he ruined their perfect weekend because he wanted to see some of his old friends. What the @#!!&**??????????? So, I am blogging so that I won’t blow up in her face. Because the last thing I can handle right now are her shallow tears. Damn… I still feel guilty.

Okay, so I lied. But in my defense the trip sucked. I had altitude sickness the whole time and I was stuck with my cousin who is an ignorant dumb… bell. I don’t want to say something bad about family right? So, it sucked… so bad. New topic: My junior year has begun. Due to schedule conflicts I am still in women’s chorus and not in chamber, but I am taking Latin III. Yep, still sucks…

Here’s the sitch… tomorrow I’m leaving for Colorado! I’m super excited to be getting out of the house and on the road! No more sitting waiting for Netflix to come up with new TV shows to upload! The downside is that we’re driving. I mean, I’m thankful that there are no airplanes involved because I dislike airplanes very much! But who can spend twelve hours a day with their family crammed into a car??? My brothers aren’t going, which I have mixed feelings about, and my sister is going which I am thankful for. Both parents, a set of grandparents, and a cousin thrown into the mix. I think it will be quite an adventure and I’m pumped and ready to go! Well, not really. There’s just so much to do! I have to pack everything! and you know females, we have so much to make ourselves beautiful that it just can’t fit into one little suitcase. So, I’ll have a rolling suitcase, a purse, backpack, and probably a canvas bag as well for my laptop which I won’t be able to use in the car because the battery life on this thing is like the amount of time that my grandfather can spend standing up and that’s saying a lot.

I’ll be sure to write about everything, because I really want to document these two weeks. I promise to take lots of pictures on the road and everything and to keep this blog updated. When I first started this nearly nonexistent blog, I said I wanted to write about something meaningful. This trip will mean something to me. It will define my summer and I can’t wait.