Not only am I 18 today, but I’m also moving out on Saturday. That’s right, internet, I’m moving out! Getting away from my parents and taking up college life. In my last major post, I mentioned how rooted I was to my chorus program and to my school. Time does heal all wounds, does it not? Not only am I glad to not be going back, but I’m also not going to miss it as much as I thought. Granted, I’ll always miss my amazing teacher and my best friends, but by the end of high school, the veils between fake friendships come down. You’ll know by the end of graduation who is and who is not your friend.
The easiest part of graduating was being taken out of my leadership role. Being the liaison (kind of like the president) of the Leadership Team was a privilege and the best thing I did in my four years of high school, but it was also the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Not only was I the first single liaison, but it made it difficult to get along with my friends because I was also kind of their boss. And high schoolers never take anything seriously, so I was constantly feeling like I was the head of a group of middle schoolers. Ok. They weren’t that bad, but they certainly didn’t make it easy on me. They were never sympathetic to all that I did and constantly talked about me behind my back while smiling to my face, but they were too ignorant of my position and of my own feelings that what they said behind my back (I have my sources) didn’t even make sense. Leadership roles can turn even the closest of friends against you. What I hate the most is that I don’t even know the cause. Sure, I had to yell sometimes and crack the whip, but I was also learning what it took to deal with people. I think I did the best that I could given the skills that an awkward high school senior possesses.
Another downside of being the liaison was that I was really only able to give my attention to that one organization. All of my time was spent managing and planning events and each day that I didn’t have much time left for anything else. If it wasn’t for the Leadership Team, it was for my teacher. It was stupid of me and arrogant of me to take on all extra responsibilities that the teacher let me. It’s part of my personality. I’m a natural suck-up. But I loved helping with role or helping with sectionals during class. It made me feel needed and appreciated when I was trusted to watch the class when we had a sub or when I was allowed to conduct a sectional. That’s what I got for being dedicated. But I also got disrespect and negative emotions from my classmates, from the people I thought were my friends. To them, I say, I really am stupid enough to not understand what went what went wrong. I always say, “If you don’t personally tell me, I honestly have no idea what’s going on.”
No one seems to believe that.
I guess everyone has trust issues.
It’s hard to think about that time, toward the end. At first I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but once I could see the other side, everything collapsed and started closing in on me. In some ways, I’m lucky I made it out unscathed. I would never do anything to hurt anyone what I worked with, not that they would believe that. Not that they didn’t have any intentions to hurt me. I’m just sorry it ended the way it did.
Maybe that’s a good thing though. I’m sure of the people who stuck by me. And now I’m moving on and away. Now I can make a new name for myself. It’s time for me to step back and observe for a while instead of being stuck in the eye of the storm. Maybe it’s time to make my own storm. Personally, I don’t like having enemies, but I’m pretty sure I heard somewhere that, “Making enemies only means you’re doing something right.” I don’t know if that’s true, and until I figure that out, I’ll enjoy my first year of college. And enjoy making new friends and being somewhere new. It’s the new beginning I never knew I wanted or needed.
The impossible has happened. I’ve begun to grow up. All those wishes on second stars and dreams of staying forever young like Peter Pan, every dandelion wish and hope for adventures to rival every Disney princess… they’re starting to fade.
Recently, I’ve found myself revisiting things from my past. Old books, movies, games, diaries, habits. Things that I failed at when I was little are easy for me to obtain, but I find no joy from winning that computer game that kept me stumped for hours on end. I’m no longer mesmerized by the monsters who may be hiding under my bed. Or by the magic that must reside in the book to make it glow in the dark.
Maybe it’s because I’m graduating in four months?
There’s a wall in one of the practice rooms connected to our chorus room that had handprints of past seniors on it. I was practicing by myself one day and I started looking at the handprints. There have been three senior classes to put their handprints on the wall, each class’s prints in a different color. Last year, I took pictures of the seniors putting their handprints on the wall. I can remember them all, graduated by then, and as I stared at their hands, their lasting mark on this building, I couldn’t help but wonder how I’ll feel in four months. Right now, I’m nervous. I’ve got scholarship applications to fill out and college visits to plan. How will I feel by then? Right now I don’t want to leave. All State is next month and we’ve got LGPE to perform at. I’m meeting new people every day and I don’t really want to leave them right now. But who knows what four months will do. Will I be ready to go?
Will I continue to go through flashes of my childhood until then? Is this just part of growing up, forgetting about the things of your childhood to make room for the new memories of being a young adult? For now, I can’t answer this. I’m not even really sure what this is. But I keep going through the files of memories in my mind, reliving each small adventure, finally completing every minuscule task that I had failed before.
And here’s the real humdinger: What am I supposed to do when I run of out of those little things?
I’m the first person to blog about this, or write anything, hopefully.
Let me start off by telling you a story.
Two weeks ago, we were reading Camus’s The Stranger in my AP Lit class. This novel, if you’ve haven’t read it (but you should read it), presents the philosophy of existentialism. Existentialism basically says that whatever happens will happen, without the universe’s interference or pity. The universe is indifferent and we should focus on where we are right now because it’s all we have. So, we were discussing the novel when our teacher told us a story. She had been told by the 9th Grade Lit teacher, whose room is adjacent to her own. He has been told the story by his parents, who had been told by the woman who lived the experience. The woman lives in Alabama and told this story (approximately) to her Bible Study group: She was driving down the interstate and she heard a voice. Each person who has retold the story makes sure to describe this woman as a sane woman, very practical and solid mentally. She heard a voice, clear as though someone were sitting next to her, say, “The election you are expecting in three weeks will not happen.” Now, this excited the woman, and she pulled over to the side of the road to compose herself. She was quite shaken up and still recovering when a police officer pulled up to see if she was alright and asked if he could do anything. She told him that something had happened that shocked her and she just needed a moment to get herself together. Again, the police officer asked what happened and if he could do anything. “If I tell you, you won’t believe me,” she said. The police officer responded, “Try me.” The woman recounted hearing a voice and what it had said. When she had finished speaking, the police officer replied, “You know, I would think you’re crazy but three other people have told me the exact same thing today.”
Of course we discussed the meaning of this in my Lit class. We questioned from Zombie Apocalypse to natural disasters and it seems now that our reasonings may not have been far off. With Hurricane Sandy, it seems like this trivial prediction made by a religious woman somewhere in Alabama may hold some truth. My classmates and I have kept our eyes open. The other lit teacher whose parents originally heard the story told us that his parents had asked what the woman’s sense of what would happen felt like. She had responded that whatever it was, it seemed bigger than just something happening to a potential candidate. A hurricane hitting the northeastern US? That’s a lot bigger than if something happened to a candidate! More and more casualties continue to pop up due to the storm and the damage is already sky high. I sent my Lit teacher an email this afternoon because I was reading articles and mapping the path of Sandy. This is what the email said:
Reading up on hurricane Sandy on the Fox News website. The meteorologists are describing it as a hybrid super-storm because it’s beginning to merge with other storm systems and arctic winds. Here’s a paragraph of the article from their website.“The monster hurricane has made a westward lurch and aim for New Jersey, blowing ashore and it is suppose to combine with two other weather systems — a wintry storm from the west and cold air rushing in from the Arctic — to create an epic superstorm.”
Read more: http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/news/2012/10/29/hurricane-sandy-slams-northeast/#ixzz2Aj2vlrsO
They are predicting the more intense effects to extend as far as Chicago, with most major damage to New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Washington DC, and Baltimore.Another excerpt from the article says that, “Authorities warned that New York City and Long Island could get the worst of the storm surge — an 11-foot wall of seawater that could swamp lower Manhattan, flood the subways and cripple the underground network of electrical and communications lines that are vital to the nation’s financial capital.”I think Mr. K’s friend’s predictions just might come true in a big way. The anticipation of some large, shattering force hitting our country has certainly made the election and every detail of the news more interesting. I’m also prone to worry, which has made me twice as attentive to the news, especially regarding this storm, than I should be.Here’s the kicker. The rest of the article describes Obama’s promises to aiding the destruction relief (after we sit and wait for the storm to hit), how the stock exchange closed for the first time since 9/11, the UN canceled their New York meetings, and the fact that people in those states (some of which are the most competitive) will not be able to vote because they’ve evacuated already.At this moment, Sandy is less than thirty minutes away from touching down in New Jersey and it’s all we can do to sit and wait and watch.
So, today was the day. I took the SAT for the first time. I know, that’s pitiful because I’m three months into my senior year and I’m just now taking it, but at least I did it! It wasn’t even really that bad. Rachel Fred, one of the best Rachels in the world, was there. It was funny because we sit next to each other in Pre-Calculus and neither one of us mentioned it. Honestly, it was longer than it was harder and waking up at 6:20 in the morning wasn’t so fun either, nor was the restless anxiety. At least now I can rest easily, retake it in November because I’m sure I failed miserably, and focus on making this last year of high school count. I’m enjoying doing short vlogs, but more enjoying taping others. Have you watched those “Chorus Girls” videos yet. If not, and you’d like to see what happens when a bunch of Chorus girls go to a Mexican restaurant, I suggest you watch them. They’re entertaining whether or not you understand what’s happening.
Now I’m worrying about the future. What does life have in store for me? God doesn’t really answer when I ask, so then I ask different things. What do I want to do for my career? Where do I want to attend college? What do I want to major in? And… he didn’t answer those either. All these questions have answers, and as the student, it’s my job to answer them. It’s my life and they’re my questions to answer. Haha, just think of it as a different test form (you know, like A, B, C?? So people don’t cheat). It’s not that I don’t enjoy the deep, philosophical thinking about my purpose and who I am, but I think it’s about time… I think I’m ready to sit down and answer those questions. It’s nice that I have four years of college ahead of me, which is plenty of time to change my major a thousand times. I am, however, the kind of person who’s determined to get it right the first time. We’ll see.
So, after the first video, you should have realized that Chorus girls are K-razy. Well, here’s more, in case the first dose wasn’t enough. Chorus girls discuss jazz hands. Allison breaks down after she is told “No.” Kathy has a comeback for everything, and Rachel is only seen for five seconds. I believe the word “loopy” is also discussed, but that’s up for you to watch.
So, in case you didn’t notice… Chorus Girls are strange. Especially when three are magnet, two are also really intelligent, one has a camera, one doesn’t actually sing but is in magnet also and is funny, and all of them are crazy. No lies. Just watch the video..